It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
You Might Also Like
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.