@Dawn_M_

It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.

@ddsmidt

I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.

Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.

@TheTweetOfGod

You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.

@Parkerlawyer

I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.

@stockejock

Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.

@JohnLyonTweets

Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.

Me: So you have it too?

@TheFunnyWorId

Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness?

He pastaway.

Cannoli do so much.

Now hes just a pizza history.