When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
You Might Also Like
5 year plan?
I havent even planned this sentence volcano.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness?
Cannoli do so much.
Now hes just a pizza history.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?