It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
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I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Hmmmmmmm….
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.
I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”
He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
there is no sex i lied you are gonna lay here and take personality quizzes w me
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.