It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
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“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
seeing a lot of pretty girls tweet about being “created in a lab” which is weird bc i distinctly remember the day we all emerged from the depths of the lake together
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
absolutely not
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer