It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
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King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese