It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
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If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”
I pointed to my daughter.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too