Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.

“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.

*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*

sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests

Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment

Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.

Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings

7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.

Me: They’re just like French fries.

7: Then give me French fries.

There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.

In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this

I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?

For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does

“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.

Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.

I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying

7yo: Ewwww. Why are you playing that music? The 90s are gross.

Also 7yo: Check out this new cool song I found from Nsync. It’s my favorite, and you are gonna love it, bro.

I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.

seriously you guys

guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse

Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.

Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.

Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.

“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev

I can’t wait to sleep in

My bladder: lmao

centipede: *gets down on one knee*

girlfriend: omg

centipede: *puts down second knee*

girlfriend: uhm…okay

centipede: *puts down third knee*

girlfriend: please stop

Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds

I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around

He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…

I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind

a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her

I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.

Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier

My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late

{family style dinner}
Cannibal: More Kevins please