It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
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[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?