It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
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As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Me: We are underbudget this month!
Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
my mom decorated the apartments for the cats
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”
Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.