Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him

If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.

what if cobwebs were delicious?

– cotton candy inventor

Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.

I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support

Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.

FBI: you are so busted!

Me: omg thanks 🤭

Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people

The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood

Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.

Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.

Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.

*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*

Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.

Explain yourselves.

Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.

I don’t make the rules sorry

Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.

I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.

Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.

The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.

millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to

I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”

When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.

Lube but for my dry humor.

Diabetes: you’re my type.

Me: you’re my type 2

i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.

jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done

I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this

I can also cook 😂

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?

Re-Morse code.

this 4 hour meeting could have just been someone pulling my finger nails off one by one with pliers.

Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.