Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.

Me: How are you doing?

4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!

Me: Same though.

Hacker: Give us your password or else

30 minutes later…

Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points

[Confessional Booth]

Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.

Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!

Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.

I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.

Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.

Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?

Me: on the wall!

Hitman: that’s a spider

Me: kill it!

Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination

Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.

Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?

Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for

If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.

Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay

Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.

Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death

Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.

so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one

when mom throws a party…

me: the clogged sink is over here

plumber: (crawls under sink)

me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no

Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.

My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.

[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up

lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”

Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.

Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.

[new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people have asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*

I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.

If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.

I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope