It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
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“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Liquor store clerk: Do you need help?
Me: Yes but I decided to come here instead
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.