It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
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*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
me: family! regale me with tales of your day!
5: good
2: yes
hubs: same
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park