It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.

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I always walk into Target with a pissed off look on my face. These people don’t need to know I’m here to buy waterfall scented candles.


I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.


I wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There’s a knob called “brightness,” but that doesn’t work. 🤔


At this point you can get more Gas for your $5 bill at a Taco Bell than you can at a Shell Station


last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht


[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?


This is serious as a heart attack but not one of those funny heart attacks. Those make me laugh.


*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef


Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.

Murder suspect: Me?

Me: Ahah, so you confess!