It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
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If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Just so funny
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.