It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
You Might Also Like
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
another case of gang violins
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
oh you wanna fight?!
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.