It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
You Might Also Like
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
The word Ohio looks like a tractor
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Hate it when i pull out a winter coat and there’s no money or drugs stashed in it
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs