It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
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I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.
Simple meth.
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?