Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you

Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide

People: lol nah

Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL

Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.

ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]

date: this is so romantic

me: just the two of us

date: and the stars

me: and the moon

the moon: *winks at my date*

me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-

My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:

I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.

[first date]

Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?

Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally

Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?

Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.

Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*

everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances

How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.

The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.

I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move

Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.

psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”

[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE

🪶

My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.

[watching murder documentary]

Her: That’s not how I would have done it.

Me: *never sleeps again*

me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava

doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan

You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back

forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies

I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.

The only time I’ll care about Basketball:

My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.

ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?

HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops

marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad

did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything