Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.

-Come on, it’s time to go

-No

-We are going to be late

-I hate school

-But Mum, you have to take me!

To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row

This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.

” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”

Me if I was on the Titanic.

[Toothpaste Laboratory]

Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…

I have patio furniture in the friend zone.

me on ellen

ellen: so i heard you love the ocean

me: ya

(the studio starts flooding)

me: omg ellen you didn’t

I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.

Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love!! They just opened up a cheesecake sample cart at Costco

dude killed a sea lion with his bike

You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.

I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.

I spoke to my husband earlier

He seemed quite nice

Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv

[at a job fair]

Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want

Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*

Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?

me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs

[Job Interview]

Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.

Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?

I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.

*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!

me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish

steve: hi

dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me

I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”

I’m lucky, I only drink every night.

I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.

Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.

The holidays are always tough on me….

One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.

Still haunts me.

*date*

GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?

LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.

Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”

-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.