It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
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Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
❤️❤️❤️
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Breakfast for Stoners:
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”