Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.

While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.

I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.

if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem

I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.

I love this❤️😁👍

Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”

Me: *looks up from phone*

“What?”

One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies

それは草

It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.

Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*

Me: same

We get it, Aaron. You like vowels

Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.

“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”

-guy who invented ketchup packets

Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid

Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.

“What charities do you donate to?”

“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”

gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializing

father reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early

My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.

[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control

“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*

DAMMIT NOT AGAIN

My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party

She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered

Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.

Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.

Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.

They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.

How to walk around a museum

You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike

definitely did not do anything wrong

[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.

GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.

ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.

Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.

I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.

Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.