@__MICHAELJ0RDAN

Its like they say, don’t judge a apple by its color because it might be a orange.

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@13spencer

A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.

@House_Feminist

My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it

@bridger_w

The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity

@Maddy_ubert

Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*

@onion_an

[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.

@JessObsess

I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.

@ArfMeasures

WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house

*our child walks in*

ME: Yeah, great job, Linda