A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Its like they say, don’t judge a apple by its color because it might be a orange.
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My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Now playing: With Myself.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda