Its like they say, don’t judge a apple by its color because it might be a orange.

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A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.


My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it


The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity


Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*


[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.


I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.


WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house

*our child walks in*

ME: Yeah, great job, Linda