Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.

Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep

Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine

Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep

Internet: European dragon flu

Me: Oh nooooo

*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?

I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?

Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.

Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”

[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally

Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage

Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.

I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write

making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this

“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out

“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”

– me whenever my wife sings while driving.

If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?

A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.

Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker

I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story…

I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.

A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 5 loaves and 2 fish! I had 5000 men coming over that this food was for..

What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?

A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.

Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.

Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.

Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??

Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash

Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined

Me: no

[when we’re a quarter of the way there]

Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-

Me: not yet Bon Jovi