Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.

BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.

Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.

If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.

Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.

My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.

How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?

mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this

Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house

Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.

Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise

Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.

My Mom: you just have to poop.

ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?

lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?

me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency

– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?

-No.

– Do you want some?

What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.

The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.

I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.

I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night

every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”

TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT

A new level of troll.

If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

Every now and then someone comes into your life that just makes you wanna sweep the leg

One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.

I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.

Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.

Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.

Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.

Hitlers gonna hitl

If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.

I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.