“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers![]()
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“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
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(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀![]()
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cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
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“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.