It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
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*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
When I was little my folks would take me to Kmart and I’d walk off straight to security and tell them my mom was lost and get a lollipop.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Dear kids, let me tell you a story about childhood disappointment.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
any last words?
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
This is Sparta
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to