It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
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Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
My next door neighbor just stole my gate and I want to confront him about it…
But I’m worried he might take a fence.
#Jokes
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.