It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
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succession but with mickey mouse and friends
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
PLEASE READ
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job
The guy at the Christmas tree place was pretty aggressively trying to upsell me so I said ‘calm down Spruce Lee’ and oooh boy could that kid roundhouse kick