It’s like this photographer has never seen a woman bring a rotisserie chicken to her Boudoir session before.
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[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Have a lovely day 😊
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Calling in noise complaints on my own home so my neighbor thinks I’m cool