Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol

A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.

Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed

Dating tip:

If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.

it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely

Actor: How would you rate my ability to take direction?
Director: Below average.
Actor: *bellows* AVERAGE!!!

my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree

well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.

I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.

Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.

Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!

For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.

The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad

I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.

Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake

The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.

What I said: I do.

What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.

TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem

ME: *raising hand confidently* no

Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no

[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]

“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.

“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”

MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT

“Did you check his hand?”

NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait

Last night at dusk we were playing outside and my 4yo was pretending to direct traffic as cars went by. A woman rolled down her window and very kindly said “thanks for your help!” and my 4yo, completely seriously goes “you’re welcome. You need to turn on your headlights.”

My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.

Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.

model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”

me:

model UN: also you can only be countries that exist

me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN

My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.

<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.

[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”

*dads go nuts*

“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”

[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD

him: you’re an perfect 10.

me: omg, thank you!!! you want to go out some time or—

shoe salesman: i meant, your feet, sir.