It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
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Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
yikes
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
🙋♀️
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
making my kids wear corduroy pants so they can’t sneak up on me
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.