Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.

First date

Him: What do you do?

Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]

“I’m a model.”

It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.

3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?

Me: 🎵 mama

My Mom: hi son

Me: 🎵 just killed a man

My Mom: new phone who dis

If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…

Never, ever, play dead.

You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.

(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.

Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re

S: Oh ffs!

Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while

Me: I had a cold

Them: it’s been 7 months

Me: I had a lot of colds

“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”

~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.

People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for

the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times

marketing people:

Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.

My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.

After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”

billionaire: we’re all in this together

everyone: you lost money too?

billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer

One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”

This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.

I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.

Air conditioning – not a fan

Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity

when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer

Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane

Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”

Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.

My daughter caught me throwing out some artwork of hers, so if you could donate to our GoFundMe, we can get her the “nicer mom” that she’s now requested.

Thoughts and prayers are also appreciated during this artistically tragic time.

it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance

Patron approaches the reference desk.
“Does the library have COVID tests?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have masks for the public?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have gloves?”
“Yes. My turn: do you have COVID?”
“Yes.”
“Well good I’m glad we’re both bringing something to this exchange.”

1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hours

Congratulations! How was Disneyworld?