It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
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TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people