It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
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what if we kissed on the garfield couch
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone
me: whoa magic
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Ummm
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*