It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
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Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
why does this building look like a guilty dog
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.