It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
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It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
What even happened today?
The “baby” on the left….
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready