it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
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Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
“Seize the day!”
No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol