it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
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Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
That’s commitment
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
If only
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?