Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.

how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider

Beware of the dog..

Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle

Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.

I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it

I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum

*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*

this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy

Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”

Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.

And now we wait.

More like Kate Missington.

MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*

ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*

MAGICIAN: holy shit

*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*

Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautiful

Neighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?

A curse:

May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.

rewatching 2016 and 2020 election night coverage at 2x speed, to catch up with the first two in the trilogy before the finale drops tomorrow

me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!

me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!

me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in

wife: is it a bird?

me: yeah

mangled superman:

I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.

ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?

THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?

My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.

superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?

batman:

superman:

batman:

superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?

batman: yep

Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?

“It was a different time.”

“It was this morning.”

“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”

Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,

Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”

Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.

therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad

me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one

The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.

Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?

me: I need to buy a train ticket

employee: window or aisle

me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what