Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.

I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”

Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.

Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.

If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.

What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.

Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.

Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.

Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.

Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.

Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —

Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!

I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.

Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.

Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies

[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]

“Who are you eating?”

i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.

I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.

For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.

Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.

me: i’m doing well

webmd: you may want to sit down

“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”

i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.

🙉🙈🙊

Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.

[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie

moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘mnemonic’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity

When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.

‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla

-Me as a teacher

I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby

-Canadians flirting

Goodyear: tires

Badyear: 2020