it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
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Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
I just saw three bowls of dessert.
I think they were thrice pudding.
#RateMyPun
#LunchPun
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks