It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
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If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
serving silly goose instead of turkey
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
waiter: did you enjoy your meal
me: honestly not really
waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Dear kids, let me tell you a story about childhood disappointment.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that