It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
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If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.