It’s Mental Health Day today.
– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.
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I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
I’m at that point on a Monday where no.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.