It’s Mental Health Day today.
– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.
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since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
you’re damn right i have
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
an airline just for babies.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.