It’s Mental Health Day today.
– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.
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Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
I was dismayed to hear the story of Rumpelstiltskin. I had no idea he was like that outside of work
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?