Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.

Well played, sir.

She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.

Doctor: So what brings you in today?

Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.

The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence

Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.

instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid

The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.

I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.

cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you

me: yeah he was not nice

just got on my email and unsubscribed from a bakery that i bought a cake from 3 years ago. after unsubscribing they sent another email saying ‘are you sure a friend didn’t unsubscribe you by mistake’? how often is that situation happening.

I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?

I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.

Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.

Who else does this 🤦🏽😂

Me: will you wake your sister

4: no that’s way too scary

It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.

Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.

[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?

Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.

Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.

I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.

I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.

ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*

“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”

~ Karma Chameleon

I’ll never salute you, General Settings

[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time

Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob

Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”

Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.