It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
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all the leaves are brown
and this guy is greg
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.