It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
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My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.
Much easier and safer
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Best mom ever 😂
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.