It’s Monday again and I’m about to make it everyone’s problem.
You Might Also Like
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.