It’s Monday, but at what cost?
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no way 😭
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
😭😭
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.