It’s Monday, but at what cost?
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The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
rewatching 2016 and 2020 election night coverage at 2x speed, to catch up with the first two in the trilogy before the finale drops tomorrow
This 4th of July, please remember…
at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
I love telling someone to be careful. Because then if they die, that’s on them
We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”