It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
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There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
“Of course I’ve tried that!”
– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.