It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
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ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
What if all the cashiers are married?
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
My ideal weight is five million dollars