Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.

My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.

THIS IS BANANARCHY.

You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!

i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls

Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.

*working in pediatric ER*

kid: *pointing* what are those wipes

me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊

kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them

kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor

12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!

12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider

12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude

You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?

Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.

[first time trying standup]

Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-

*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT

Me: Please, mom, not now

Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!

My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.

Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?

[Me visiting US for the first time]

Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08

Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.

[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]

Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!

Feels like there should be a middle ground

I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.

Me: *researching sore foot*

WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?

Me: Just call me loaded fries!

Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉

Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.

I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.

British parking sign:

———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————

You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.

My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.

“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”

let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

If you get butterflies in your stomach

You should probably stop eating insects

Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat