It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
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him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Why is peter pan always flying?
He neverlands.
I like this joke because it never grows old.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.