Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,

‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’

Doctor: do you exercise?

Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks

Doctor:

Me: cronchies

Doctor: I’m gonna put no

Me: ok

thanksgiving in nutshell

I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”

The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.

*Cracks knuckles*

“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”

Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.

NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR

every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”

Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.

[commercial for rakes]

“Are u tired of eating leaves?”

I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.

When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”

😝

A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.

[first day on a new job]

Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.

Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.

Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!

All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.

My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.

WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead

ME: where’d you see that?

W: Facebook

M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax

W: no Facebook is real

My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.

Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.

“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.

At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.

“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market

I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.

The 6 types of sex

Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?

– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.