It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
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Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Flock of bats
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.