Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.

ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say

Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.

Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.

Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.

His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble

If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies

Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.

If you can’t beat them

Just try sunny side up

Before a PhD: I don’t know.

After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.

Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure

Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me

Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!

Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.

[first time at a rave]

These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird

Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question

Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.

[gym]

Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual

[building on fire]

ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary

CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday

ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION

The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job

Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.

Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.

You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.

I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG

It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.

I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!

please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.

Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.

Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY

These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.

Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.

There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight

Throws bra on the floor

I feel much better

How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.

CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma

CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid