It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
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The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Leave it to Stephen Chow to pull off one of the funniest and dopest fight scenes in history without ever even throwing a single punch or kick. Bruce Lee’s “Art of Fighting Without Fighting” fully realized.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?
me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.
9yo: like clothes?
me: no they don’t have clothes there.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.