It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
You Might Also Like
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?
Fleeced Navidad
#GoldCrackers
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
How to find Kentucky on a map
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN