Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.

date: I think we’ve actually met before

picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces

The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.

He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.

I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.

you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years

Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing

As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.

art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face

picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?

Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.

Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.

I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.

NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.

The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…

ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?

BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?

TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.

ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college grads

REQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.

If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.

My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?

Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?

Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today

Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.

Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.

A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.

One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.

LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB

In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.

While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.

me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”

korean waiter: we do not serve this dish

genie: what is your first wish

me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice

genie: [kermit the frog voice] why

[6 AM]

Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.

[morning bus drives by]

Child: What’s for breakfast?

You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.