It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
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People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.