It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
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You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
No.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did