It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
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[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
sounds kinky. i’m in.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.