Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.

My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?

So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.

Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.

[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?

When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.

I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.

Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.

Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?

Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time

Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no

Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.

Me: He was stressed

Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk

Me: I was stressed

Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”

Me: Could be anyone…

I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

*bursts into a bank*

EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME

I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.

Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.

I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’

Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it

Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?

me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”

Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party

Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic

I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.

TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them

Fashion designers:
What do you want?

Women: uniform sizing across brands.

Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!

I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you