It’s my cracking, popping joints that has unfortunately kept me from my career as an unexpectedly hot assassin
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[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
can’t catch a break
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
ＨＵＭＡＮ
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
They did not miss in the small print
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness