Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?

ME: There is no way

PAL: Why?

ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people

Priest: do you take this woman

Me: I do

[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]

Me: -not

I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!

I travel a lot for work and carry around a piece of paper in an envelope with a load of nonsense words written on it in the hope that, if I ever die suddenly, I will become the subject of internet conspiracy theories for years to come

I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.

I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.

Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.

ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel

MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*

Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are

After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.

when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real

If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.

Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?

4 Year Old: Chocolate

Me: You really are my child.

Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer

[when i was a kid]

DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you

[today]

MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot

ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now

We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy

Forever 21… pounds overweight

It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy

i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one

ok wait i got 66 problems

An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.

Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January

Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer

the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday

his funfair is next Friday

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid

Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️

. : can i have that?

me: have what?

: : thanks

me. wait

⠸ : yoink

me stop that

A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.

[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging

My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)

I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.