It’s my cracking, popping joints that has unfortunately kept me from my career as an unexpectedly hot assassin
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Justin Trudeau will appear on Late Night with Stephen Colbert. They’re getting together to reminisce about how people used to like them
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Sure, I’ll come to your party
*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?