It’s my emotional support 16 unwashed coffee cups in the sink
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If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
*immediately after a hysterectomy*
ok weigh me now.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
lost dog
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying