Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?

I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.

my depression: I’m sad

my anxiety: but why now I’m worried

my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason

my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway

By far the dumbest thing I’ve made

Selfie attempt: come hither look

Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm

I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.

ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter

I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.

ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and

starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side

For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.

It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge

*crawls into windowless creeper van*

One kidnapping, please.

People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.

*through a mouthful of Nutella*

Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.

[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions

7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”

Me: “Sleep.”

7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”

Exactly.

I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.

I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.

He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her

starbuck cashier: can i get a name

guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben

me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me

Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently

Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.

Which is basically the same thing.

Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.

Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.

I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.

My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.

I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.

I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.

My 4yo was struggling to put his shorts on this morning. I went to help him, pulled the waistband up, and an alarm clock flew out the leg hole

me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows

*gingerly taps banana*