It’s my emotional support 16 unwashed coffee cups in the sink
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[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
No regrets in 2018
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Showed my 9yo some of his newborn pics and he very helpfully pointed out that I looked a lot younger back then
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: I was raised in a working-class family…
Go hard or stay average
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.