“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
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I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
One cool thing about getting older is that you’re not asked about your long term plan very much.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
ah yes….my favourite videogame
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.