It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
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WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
No self control, must pet the kitty 😂
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
pizza
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.