It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
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What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
181.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Note to self: I am a note
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
This seems like peak sibling energy
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
I put the h in mysterious.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
you’re damn right i have
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Not the sharpest cheddar on the charcuterie board…
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”