it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
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Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
technique
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf