it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
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23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.